Archive for December, 2008
Some women threaten no sex if men shoot fireworks (AP)
AP – Some women in Naples said they won’t make love if their men shoot off dangerous fireworks on New Year’s Eve. “Se Spari, Niente Sesso” (If you shoot, no sex), as the reported group calls itself, claims to have signed up hundreds of women in the Naples area to combat celebrations that injure or maim hundreds each year.
Slow Down, Technology!
If any of my loyal readers felt a cold draft when opening this morning’s paper, it’s because hell just froze over. That’s right! Ol’ Roger “No…
Computer Makers Die More
Death rates among people who work building computers are considerably higher than the rest of the population. What do you think?
Baby born during trans-Atlantic flight to Boston (AP)
AP – There were 124 passengers on Northwest Airlines Flight 59 when it left the Netherlands. There were 125 when it landed in Boston. Phil Orlandella, a spokesman for Logan International Airport, says a woman went into labor and gave birth to an apparently healthy baby girl over the Atlantic Ocean on Wednesday during the eight-hour flight from Amsterdam.
Ore. woman, 88, gives naked intruder the ’squeeze’ (AP)
AP – The Multnomah County Sheriff’s Office said an 88-year-old woman fended off a naked intruder by grabbing the man’s crotch and squeezing. Deputy Paul McRedmond said the man got into the house Tuesday through a sliding door. He backed the woman into her living room and pushed her face down onto a chair.
[audio] New U.S. Military Helicopter Too Beautiful To Use In Combat
Onion Radio News – with Doyle Redland
300 Naked Women Feared Lost In Computer Crash
ELLICOTT CITY, MD–An estimated 300 naked women, including actresses Pamela Anderson and Shannon Elizabeth, are feared lost as the result of a tragic computer crash Monday. “One minute, they were there, and the next, they were gone,” said a visibly shaken Jonathan Blauvelt, 33, the Ellicott City resident whose Power Mac G4 was the site of the disaster. “To lose so many young girls in the blink of an eye like that, it’s hard to comprehend. Angelina Jolie, Anna Kournikova, the chick from Species–it’s just too much to bear.” As data-recovery workers comb through the hard drive for signs of ass, Blauvelt is asking well-wishers to pray for the naked ladies’ safe return.
Voice Recognition Software Yelled At
NEW YORK—Fidelity Financial Services’ Gwen Watson, 33, shouted angrily at her IBM ViaVoice Pro USB voice-recognition software, sources close to the human-resources administrator reported Monday. “No, not Gary Friedman! Barry Friedman, you stupid computer. BARRY!” Watson was heard to scream from her cubicle. “Jesus Christ, I could’ve typed it in a hundredth of the time.” After another minute of yelling, Watson was further incensed upon looking at her screen, which read, “Barely Freedman you God ram plucking pizza ship.”
Nerd Has Most Obscure Crush Ever
JACKSONVILLE, FL—The unrequited nature of area nerd June Manzo’s crush on actor Peter Tuddenham, who provides the voice of piloting computer Slave on Blake’s 7, is only slightly more agonizing than the process of explanation she must put herself through every time her media obsession is discussed. “He has this slightly sinister but dynamic way of speaking on the show, particularly in the ‘Headhunter’ episode,” Manzo said, painstakingly describing Tuddenham to fellow science-fiction fan Bradley Preakniss. “When I hear his voice congratulating Avon on his ‘consummate skill,’ I just get shivers… Doesn’t that ring a bell? No? Not at all?” Manzo’s crush is surpassed in geekiness and obscurity only by that of Denver’s Demitri Ostrow, who has a long-harbored passion for author Neil Gaiman’s “fabulous” assistant Lorraine.
Flatley dances again thanks to Irish energy healer (Reuters)
Reuters – Irish-American dance master Michael Flatley is back on stage after years of suffering from a “mystery virus,” thanks to a treatment by an Irish “energy healer,” Irish media quoted Flatley as saying on Wednesday.
