Archive for the ‘News In Brief’ Category
Mytron The Fifth, Illuminati Ruler And Secret Overlord Of All Humanity, Dead At 112
2,000 MILES BENEATH BAVARIA, GERMANY—Mytron the Fifth, Illuminati ruler and secret mastermind of the entire human race since the year 8449…
Out-Of-Control Group Yields Little Usable Data
ATLANTA—A study of the effects of antidepressants on sleep patterns was derailed this week when the experiment’s out-of-control…
Once Mighty Super Bowl Commercial Now Sad, Pathetic ‘Price Is Right’ Commercial
LOS ANGELES—Though it once stood proud as a majestic and much-celebrated Super Bowl ad—captivating an audience of millions with its…
9-Pound Infant Barrels Way Down Birth Canal
IDAHO SPRINGS, CO—Described by medical personnel as “a real whopper,” a 9-pound infant came hurtling down the birth canal of 27-year-old…
Area Dad Suffers Massive Nothing To Worry About
STEVENS POINT, WI—In a no big deal that barely even took place, area factory worker and father of four Walt Koepke suffered a massive…
Yellowstone Park Attempts To Increase Ranger Population With New Mating Program
JACKSON, WY—In an effort to revitalize its rapidly dwindling ranger population, officials at Yellowstone National Park unveiled a new mating…
Wal-Mart Shoppers Mocked By Target Shopper
OKLAHOMA CITY—Local shopper Craig Klein took a moment to mock a group of patrons in the parking lot of a local Wal-Mart during his drive…
10-Year-Old Shocked Woman From ‘Guinness Book’ Who Can Pop Her Eyes Out Not A Millionaire
CARPENTERSVILLE, IL—Stunned shock and dismay were just a few of the reactions from Bobby Guntergrass on Tuesday when the 10-year-old learned…
Paleontologists: ‘We’ve Been Looking At Dinosaurs Upside Down’
SALT LAKE CITY—In a paradigm-shattering revelation that has shocked the scientific community, paleontologists from the Utah Geological…
Geithner Refuses To Come Down Off Capitol Dome
WASHINGTON—Three days after a sulking Timothy Geithner climbed to the top of the U.S. Capitol dome, the treasury secretary remained…
