Archive for the ‘News In Brief’ Category
Local Neurotic To Undergo Invasive 32,000-Hour-Long Therapy Procedure
NEW YORK—Manhattanite Ted Friar, who has been battling chronic neuroses for more than 20 years, elected to undergo a highly invasive…
Report: Music Industry Made 18 In 2009
NEW YORK—The Recording Industry Association of America announced Tuesday that the combined revenue brought in by Warner, Sony, EMI,…
Budweiser American Lager Purchased At Tavern
ST. LOUIS—An educated gentleman of discerning tastes entered a reputable public house Tuesday, whereupon he reportedly purchased a Budweiser…
Obama Visits Kindergarten To Read Class 200-Page Memorandum On Health Care
MIAMI—As part of a new program designed to encourage reading, President Barack Obama visited a kindergarten class Monday to read the…
Laser Pointer Aimed Toward Space In 1997 Finally Annoying Planet 13 Light-Years Away
ZORAXION CITY, IMPERIAL HOMEWORLD—A laser pointer directed at the night sky by a young human in 1997 has finally reached the home planet of…
Authorities Investigating Suicide Determine Victim Really Went For It
HAVERFORD, PA—Officials investigating the tragic suicide of local man Thomas Ingraham told reporters Tuesday they have determined that the…
Universe Comes To Halt As Kid Flips Through First Shark Book
SPRINGDALE, AR—The dynamic processes by which matter and energy function in the physical world ground to a halt Thursday night as 7-year-old…
Universe Comes To Halt As Kid Flips Through First Shark Book
SPRINGDALE, AR—The dynamic processes by which matter and energy function in the physical world ground to a halt Thursday night as 7-year-old…
Mytron The Fifth, Illuminati Ruler And Secret Overlord Of All Humanity, Dead At 112
2,000 MILES BENEATH BAVARIA, GERMANY—Mytron the Fifth, Illuminati ruler and secret mastermind of the entire human race since the year 8449…
Out-Of-Control Group Yields Little Usable Data
ATLANTA—A study of the effects of antidepressants on sleep patterns was derailed this week when the experiment’s out-of-control…
